Today seems very melancholy.  I don't think it's the weather, though that adds to it I guess.  It just seems like today is not a day to be happy.  I've been feeling that lately, and I don't know why, or maybe I do and I just don't want to know why.  I have this sense of complete dread.  Fear of the truth and fear that I want the truth more than the lies that are easy to live?  Fear of accepting it because if I face it, then its real, then I can't turn back, then I have to move on with my life.
And if things don't turn out the way I perfectly and desperately want them to, does that mean that they don't turn out right?  Probably not.
When there are those distractions of life, I can forget, but then I lay in bed trying to go to sleep and there's no one here but me and I can't even control my mind.  No willpower?  Or simply no hope.
And of course, it will all work out.  Time will pass, this intangible concept that humans base their lives around.  And I will figure it out.  Or not.  Hopefully I don't die having no idea that I lived.

No.  I know I won't die not knowing that I lived.  I have just got to get off my ass and face this shit and make things right, or at least to the best that I can for myself and hope everything else falls into place around me.  I guess I have just been holding on so tightly to this concept that everything has to work out and be the same as it was and I have to stay this because if I don't its a personal failure?  But I feel like I'm failing everyday, like I will never get there no matter how hard I try, and maybe that's because I've been going in the wrong direction.  Or going in the right direction with the wrong concepts.

Anyway, here's a couple songs by Alexi Murdoch.  They were both featured in Away We Go, which is a movie I quite enjoyed.